The Best Compliment I Ever Received

Does anyone not have a wall they put up?  I would make an educated guess that mostly everyone does.  Why I don’t know, I guess it’s just human nature.  At some period in everyone’s life, they feel somewhat misunderstood.  Well...everyone being those of us living our lives in the 1^st world.  Assumptions don’t really apply to the 3^rd world.  By the way, is there a second world?

Well one day, I was forced to bare my soul.  Well not in one day.  And not really forced, more like probed into it.  Heavily probed into it.  So reluctantly I eased into it without really realizing it.  And eventually I just put it all out there.  Because at the end of the day, no one is really judging you.  I mean yes, people care or criticize to some extent, but the details of your life probably aren't keeping most people up at night.  

Well after I opened up my entire being, thought processes, perspectives, soul, and so on to someone brilliant, he (or she) told me he thought I was brilliant.

Sure I’ve heard the standard your nice, your smart, your great, you look nice, etc.  But none of those were said after displaying my entire soul to such a genuine and smart person. 

I didn’t need someone to tell me that I'm brilliant.  I just needed to be understood.  I mean don't we all? Well, finally, I did and suddenly, I just didn’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone else.  And years later, I still don’t. 

We’re all brilliant and we're all capable of contributing something to this world.  But how is anyone else supposed to see that unless you share it.  Be bold and just be yourself.  Because personally, I’d prefer to talk to a person as opposed to a wall, because I’m not mentally insane.

The Routine vs. The Variable

If given the opportunity, I would live like a 19 year old boy.  I wouldn’t clean.  I would sleep till whenever.  Nap whenever.  Shower whenever.  I’d eat breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast.  I’d watch primetime TV in the morning.  I’d workout at night.  I would love to move to Alaska in the summer (or is it winter?) when it’s light out all day.  And I don't think reptiles can live in such a cold environment, right?  So that's a plus.  Although I don't know I was never that into science.

Anyway- having a routine isn’t one of my natural capabilities.  Therefore, I find myself heavily attracted to anyone with a routine or a structure.  Not so much envying their dreams but just their lifestyle.  Constantly adapting to changing forces gets seriously exhausting after a couple of years.  So yes, I am obsessed with anyone with a consistent and planned out lifestyle.  Obsessed, envious, jealous, mesmerized, intrigued, a couple of other synonyms for obsessed, etc. 

My goals and dreams don’t offer much structure.  But I wanted structure, badly.  So I started chasing other dreams.  One that included set hours, set days off, set times to eat lunch or drink coffee, etc, etc.  And then I was offered two very different directions.  One that let me use my intellect and one that let me use my passion.  The most appealing about the first direction was the coffee machine and the routine.  Really?  A coffee machine is going to define my entire life?

And the next opportunity was great it just didn’t have much of a structure.  Can I live my entire life like that?  It’s not for everyone.  But sitting in an office, drinking coffee all day, counting down the hours until freedom just isn’t for me.

Just because I have the intellect doesn’t mean I have to prove it to anyone else.  Just because I didn’t have to work that hard to be good at something I’m passionate about doesn’t mean I have to put it down.  Why live a stifling life just for the routine and have to tone down my entire being 5 days a week? 

Every year I get just a little better at life and I don’t want to choose a path that lets me stop dreaming.  Even when you think you’re not settling, you might still be settling.  So keep dreaming. 

9 Looks I Wish Never Happened

Never get too conceded because one day you’ll look back at pictures of yourself and be horrified.

9 looks I wish never happened:

1.     My overly tan phase.  A tan after vacationing in the Caribbean is great.  A tan in the middle of winter, not great. The tan was fine when it faded…well sometimes.  The caked on bronzer, glowing teeth, and neon colors to enhance my tan were not. 

2.     Red hair.  That turned orange.  That is still probably lurking in my hair.  If you're feeling stale, buy a new lipstick, not a new hair color.

3.     Ghetto fabulousness of the early 2000s.  I remember being so excited to get a glitter jean jacket in 7^th grade.  Glitter anything should not be incorporate in one’s wardrobe or lifestyle...ever.

4.     The juicy sweat suit.  And really any other item that made me a walking billboard.

5.     My clown makeup phase consisting dark eyeshadow, bright lips, and caked on everything.  No just no.

6.     Fake nails.  The thought makes me want to puke.

7.     My hat phase.  Some hats are cute.  Rhinestone trucker caps are not.

8.     Sweatpants with words printed across the butt.  Why was I wearing sweatpants out in public anyway?

9.     Polos with the collar popped.  And polos in general.

Leaving it on the Line, Living without Regrets

This blog post I'm leaving it all on the line.  Whatever that actually means.  It really doesn’t mean anything.  It’s really just an intro for this is what I’m about to say and I couldn’t come up with a sassy introduction.

I should be sleeping right now.  I’m going to be so so tired tomorrow but I’d stay awake all over again to say what I want to say: Live without looking back.

Over the past few years, I’ve soared and then I’ve failed over and over and over (...and over) again.  But I would fail and fail and then try and try all over again and again. 

I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve lied and lied and lied.  Took more than I could take, snapped, recovered, and took more than I could take again.  But I’d do it all over and over and over again. 

I said a few things I shouldn’t have said.  But I’d say it all over and over and over again.  I blew you off over and over and over and over and over again.  And I’d do it all over and over and over again.

I shouldn’t have sparked that flame.  But I did.  And I’ll keep doing it over and over again.

I’ve spoken just to speak and I've listened without listening.  I chose him over her.  I chose her or him. And I'd do it all over and over again.

I’ve picked people up, I’ve pushed them down.  Been smothered, praying for a moment of loneliness.  Been lonely, praying to be smothered.

I’ve ignored, I’ve been ignored.  I’ve put my misery on a pedestal and put someone else's on a backbunner.   I’ve ignored my own problems, and I’ve glorified someone else's problems.  It may not be right or wrong, or smart or dumb, but I’d do it the same way all over and over again.

I’d love you or like you over and over and over again.  And then I’d hate you all over and over and over again.  I’d let you break my heart all over and over again. I’d be lonely all over and over again.  Then I’d get over you all over again. 

I’d be depressed all over again.  And I’d get messed up all over again. 

I should have said yes.  Would have said no.   Could have done this.  Would have done that.  Blah blah blah.  What could have been, could have been, should have been, would have been,... but didn’t.  So I’d do it the same way.  Over and over and over again.  I think I should just rename this blog over and over for the sake of saying over a few more times.  

Sometimes I suck and sometimes I’m great.  Sometimes I’m wrong and pretend to be right.  Sometimes I’m right and pretend to be wrong.  We always end up where we’re meant to be.  And become who we’re meant to be, even if you have to be a shitty person, a martyr, a hero, or a saint part of the time.

Live without regrets and walk forward like a superstar.

Epiphany: “Into the Wild.”

There are people who get camping.  And there are people who don’t.  I never understood camping.  Stumped would probably be a better word.  I mean how can such a large part of the human population spend their free time embarking on such a savage-like experience?  What bothered me most wasn’t the fact that I didn’t like camping, it was that I just didn’t get it at all.  I’m all about seeing other people’s perspectives on things but I could not grasp this idea.

Well I recently had the rare experience to sit on my deck and stare into the stars.  Well I thought I was staring up into the sky looking at stars and birds, until I was rudely awakened that I was looking at stars and…bats.  After screaming and running inside, I was just thinking to myself “Why do I even have to leave the house?” when someone asked me, “it’s shocking that you even leave the house.”  I quickly realized, that it’s actually pretty sad that every time I see a bug nearby, I wonder if there’s a place on earth without insects.  Clearly there’s not, so I either need to live in disgust or get over it.

So I decided to get over it.  And then I did what any other go-getter would do, and watched a movie about someone living in the wilderness.  Why read, when you can get a visual?  Why go camping yourself when you can just observe someone else doing it?

Specifically, I watched “Into the Wild.”  Which, long story short follows a young college graduate in his journey across the country to eventually live in the Alaskan wilderness.  He donates his trust fund to charity, abandons his car, and other unnecessary material items, leaves his family without notice, and just goes.  With only his bare hands and feet.  And oh my God, 15 minutes into it and I was instantly mesmerized.  Suddenly this foreign concept of fun became translatable.  The world.  The grass.  The trees.  The dirt.  The sky.  Are such a gift of beauty.  Can I write a poem?  Or start reading philosophy?  I mean why do we place so much importance on material items?  Why are we so vain?  And the fact that a human being can use their strength mentally and physically and survive with only their bare hands and mind in the harsh wilderness was just amazing to me.  Why have I not realized this concept of life sooner? I mean sure I read all those Thoreau poems, they were nice, but eh I didn’t get the whole idea of secluding yourself in the wild.  I mean what about secluding yourself on an island?  You’d get a tan out of it.  But now I was just so excited to get out and experience the Earth.

Well those were my thoughts during the first half of the film.  Then he killed a moose and ripped it apart with his bare hands in hopes to eat it for sustenance.  And then I thought, eh maybe I won’t go camping.  Maybe I’ll just take a walk in a park and call it a day.

Still disgusted from that visual I witnessed over a week ago, I still consider my once closed eyes, now open.  I realized that there’s something and some form of adventure out there for everyone.  Some people like jumping out of airplanes.  Some people like climbing up ridiculously tall mountains.  And some people just like going for a walk down the street.  Don’t discount something that makes other people happy, even if it happens to be shooting a wild moose and cooking it for dinner.  You can’t judge someone else for their perception of the world, all you can do is try and understand and appreciate their perspectives. 

On Sunday the Lord Said "Let There Be Rest"

Today was Sunday.  Is Sunday.  Will cease to be Sunday in 3 minutes.  I woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon.  Therefore I missed the first half of Sunday.  I woke up late because I went to sleep late.  Its such an endless cycle. 

I woke up and then I showered.  If you don’t shower everyday then you’re probably depressed...or smell.  So I showered.  I styled my hair.  I ate lunch and I drank coffee.  Coffee is by far the highlight of my day everyday.  I mean there’s just something about the taste of pumpkin spice. 

I watched Saturday Night Live because for some reason I have a hard time watching things on television when they’re actually on and feel the need to complicate things for myself.  And also because I don’t like football and that seems to be the only acceptable topic of conversation on a Sunday.

Then I drove to a different US state.  I was in two different US states today.  And then I went home.  I watched endless amounts of TV.  I ate dinner.  I watched more TV.

So now here is the point of the story where I can go deeper and write some exotic metaphor about showering and mental health.  Or the monotomy of life and how to break out of it. Or about what the deal with pumpkin spice coffee is.  Or about binge watching tv-is it a bad thing? Or a how-to on organizing your tv schedule and still living a productive life.  Or football mania and how its such an important part of American culture.  But....it’s still technically Sunday. 

Sunday.  The only day of the week where it’s acceptable to do nothing and speak to no one and feel proud about it. 

There's 6 other days of the week to make sense of it all.  Sunday is your moment sit back, relax, be a narcisist, and be proud.  I mean its kind of written in the Bible.  Well the relax part is.