Rejection and All Its Bitterness

Anyone that really knows me, like really knows me, knows that I tend to speak before I think.  Well actually that’s not true, I speak exactly what I think.  I just don’t think about how other people might perceive my thoughts (I also can not keep a secret for the life of me, but that’s a complete other story).  Yes, it’s gotten me into trouble MULTIPLE times, but I just keep doing it because it’s ingrained into me.  I’ve definitely gotten better, but I mean, give me a break.  Shouldn’t people, even strangers, just automatically know that just because something like…. “gray is ugly”…. initially pops into my mind, and I verbalize its ugliness immediately, that it doesn’t mean that I actually think its ugly…people get that, right….?  Probably not, but I mean at least, if nothing else, there’s no denying I’m genuine. 

Well anyway, the situation of being completely burned, is by far, times 1000, timed again by 100,000, timed again by 1,000,000, is by eons, the worst situation for my personality ( not really sure if word vomit is a personality trait these days, but we’ll go with it). To be completely honest, about 60% of the time, I’m not really that into talking.  But when I do feel like talking, it just all comes out.  Its like I have all these gems of information that have been built up for such an extreme amount of time that I just feel the need to spew it all out (you didn’t hear that from me).   But enough about me…let’s talk about you. 

I've been burned…and I'd really like to say recently...but really its just been an ongoing occurrence for longer than I can remember.  A lot of the time things happen, and we wish they didn’t.  So we keep trying to make it go back to when it didn’t happen, so we can live in our bubble again for just a little bit longer.  Examples?

• Exhibit A: #stoptryingtomakefetchhappen, and yet its still never happened.  
• Exhibit B: Lindsay Lohan’s acting career, it’s still not going anywhere and she’s still on drugs.
• Exhibit C:  That job you really wanted that you would have gotten if it wasn’t for so and so, but then so and so quits, and then you still don’t get it because blah blah blah, it all comes back to its me not you, it’s wasn’t the right time, you did a great job but…   
• Exhibit D: That person’s relationship didn’t work out, because he had issues and maybe if she didn’t have her issues, it might work out.  But maybe if he wasn’t so messy, but maybe if she didn’t like cats.  But maybe...actually, um how about maybe they can just be substituted for two completely different people and they might have a better chance of succeeding, because face the music it’s not going to happen.  Was that harsh?  Because I meant for it to be.

It all comes down to maybe if you weren’t you, and the situation wasn’t the situation, things would be better.  But you are you.  And the situation is the situation.   So then why do we keep on trying when we know we’re bound for failure?  I think it’s because of that overused quote saying that we failed because we didn’t try.  Or one’s only regret in life was not trying.  From personal experience, I feel like we don’t try to do things, not out of the fear of rejection, but because rejection is the actual reality.  Its antonym is only a fantasy. 

Truth be told, after any form of rejection, all we can do, is hope that the ones we got burned by, end up crawling back to you and you’ve already moved past the bitterness to care. 

But let’s be honest, if I’m the actual burner, versus the burnee, I am not caring one thought about someone else’s bitterness.  Like oh I never windex-ed a mirror the entire time we lived together, which made your day so much harder because you weren’t eventually going to re-do it yourself anyway?  Excuse me while I never feel bad about that decision ever.  Oh and now I ask you if I can borrow your windex, because I have a window I really need to clean, but you won’t let me use it because now you have the upper hand?  Um excuse me while I leave this ridiculous habitat for a more mature one.  

I mean, yes, I think we’re all kind of bitter that Mount Rushmore was built in South Dakota, making the likelihood of any of us seeing it next to zero.  I wouldn’t pay time or money to go to South Dakota even if Noah’s Ark was being built and that was my only chance of survival. But we all accept that fact and move on with life.

Moral of the story- just pull the plug and move on with life.  There’s only one definition of success and that’s getting something better than you initially had…oh and I guess happiness.  Bitterness gets you nowhere worth going to.

Lemons

So you know when you wake up, and instantly you just know that today sucks.  Nothing has happened yet, obviously, because you haven’t even gotten out of bed, barely have opened your eyes, and just started normal brain functioning 3 seconds ago.  But you’re already not in the mood for this day.  Can I just go back to bed and start over?  Or can I just sleep through this whole day?  Unfortunately this isn’t what dreams are made of, and yes, you do have to get through the day.

But a lot of the time, you wake up, hating the world because your tired, and nothing is greater than the gift of sleep, and then over the course of like a few hours your day goes back to being not so bad.  But sometimes, and I would like to underline sometimes, things not only completely continue to suck, they get worse.  And they get worse in ways that you could not even comprehend ever happening. 

Example 1- Someone, and by someone a random passerby, asking if they can sit next to me while I’m eating my lunch. Me responding no-OBVIOUSLY,- and them looking like they want to strangle me.  Um, there’s no space at my table, #youcantsitwithus, #itsnotgonnahappen, and hash tag I get 1 hour out of my day to not make awkward small talk with people.  And why was this threatening look of death necessary?  Also, do I give off the impression that I would be the type of person who would be okay with that?  And if so, let me go figure out a way to change my entire personality.

Example 2- Pumping gas, and being attacked by a bee.  Therefore aborting the “getting gas” mission, getting back into your car, and having the bee fly into your car.  Um annoying bee- the car is not your habit.  You can either sting me and die, or fly over to some flowers and make some honey.  I thought bees were supposed to be smart.  Oh wait those are ants.

Example 3-Being told I suck and that I’m great all in the same sentence regarding the same thing.  Let’s just say I’m average and call it a day. 

Example 4- Living somewhere for 7 years and just suddenly realizing that you never noticed that HUGE field of wheat right next to you.  God I thought I lived in the suburbs not the country.  Clearly my mind blocked it out for a reason and now isn’t the really moment for me to be coming to terms with reality.

Like is the universe trying to tell me, through all this unnecessary nonsense, that yes life does suck, no it does not get better, and there is no such thing as karma.  Or maybe there is, and my karma just really sucks.  But then I thought about it and I realized…nothing.  I realized nothing from all of this.  The only conclusion I can give is that when life gives you lemons, and its too much effort to make lemonade, give it up and take the first available nap you can.  There’s nothing wrong with lemons in the first place and lemonade is entirely too sweet. 

24 Things That Do Not Annoy Me…Because I Couldn’t Think of 25

So I’ve written a few posts about things that seriously piss me off.  Well maybe not seriously.  So I decided to take a more positive route this time.  Here we go:

1.     The sound of “Emptying my trash” on my MacBook

2.     Installing updates for my computer, and finally feeling updated.

3.     Ordering a meal and getting a pickle with it. 

4.     Seeing a rainbow in the sky

5.     Finally killing that fly

6.     Getting ANY Jeopardy question right, even if it was worth $100

7.     People walking into stationary objects

8.     Animals yawning

9.     Success always being the greatest revenge

10. Walking into a Wal-Mart and instantly realizing your life is so much better than you thought it was

11. Seeing a bunny on someone’s lawn

12. Realizing you don’t have to set your alarm for the next day

13. Getting through an entire day in heels

14. Seeing that driver who was tailgating you to get out of their way 5 minutes ago, get pulled over 5 minutes later

15. Driving your car, but then having to stop and wait for a family of geese to cross the road.  Doesn’t matter where you’re going, it can wait.

16. Taking 2 different IQ tests- one telling me I’m super smart, one telling me I’m kind of smart.  Then just realizing, at this point, unless you’re finding a cure for cancer- who really cares how smart you are?

17. The rewarding feeling of hearing the title of a movie, preferably obscure, said by one of the characters, in the middle of the movie. 

18. Worrying about the future not being great.  But then realizing the present isn’t that great.  So you really have nothing new to worry about.  And instantly your anxiety is gone.

19. When someone tries to tell you a story, but then can’t stop laughing to tell it.  And then when they finally do tell it, it’s really not that funny.  But you laugh anyway.

20. Venting to someone about having a bad day, and them responding with anything but, “Aw I’m sorry, that sucks.” 

21. Being totally creeped out by the random names or nouns, such as “Family” printed on coke bottles, but then actually getting your own name, and feeling kind of special.

22. Throwbacks on the Radio

23. A rainy day, on your day off, giving you an acceptable excuse for sleeping in. 

24. Other people’s random dogs on the street running up to you to pet them because they’re cute and they know it.

Cheesiest Blog Post Ever

There have been so many times where I come up with an idea in the moment to write or blog about something, make a note of it, and then try to write about it later.  But it never works.  Sure I could spew out a few paragraphs or thoughts about it.  But it’s not really from the heart the any longer.  I’ve already embraced it and moved on…like a week ago.  Why bother writing about it?  It’s not like I’m writing an autobiography about that time I lived in a cave in India.  My life consists mainly of movies and headbands and maybe the occasional inspirational quote that I read that day.

I think the reason why I don’t really do a good job with writing about something that happened to me a day or two ago, is because recent memories are best left alone.  Well not completely left alone- I mean yes please talk about your horrendous visit to the dentist last week to everybody and anybody who wants to listen.  But don’t force yourself to find an answer about why this event happened to you.  You can’t appreciate its actual value so soon after its expired.

Every now and then I revisit photo albums or mementos.  Not planning on it this time I ended up doing just that.  I’m not huge on looking at photo albums or really anything sentimental to be honest.  But I’ve been trying to get organized/get my life in order recently to make my current living space livable.  Under my bed I have about 8 different boxes, well not about there are actually legitimately 8 boxes, filled with countless amounts of mementos throughout the years- photos, birthday cards, diplomas, concert stubs, and so on.  I thought okay let me organize all this- moment by moment, year by year, consolidate the boxes, label shit, throw out what’s not essential and what really didn’t need to be saved or remembered.  Some photos I was like wow I never realized how good-looking I was at the age of 14.  Some photos I was like wow I never realized how bad looking I was at the age of 14.  Okay did I really need to save an essay I wrote in 7^th grade?  Why is this photo not protected in its corresponding photo album?  Why do I have a $2 bill?  Shouldn’t I be displaying this pottery I made?  Do I need every single report card? I guess I really didn’t do that well on my SATs.  Should I burn these photos of me with braces?  Wow I should really consider cutting my hair short again.

I finally just came to the conclusion- memories aren’t really made to be organized or disposed of.  When I sit back and think what have I really done with my life, do I have to look for the answer in a labeled chart perfectly defined that's completely organized and sterile? Would I even want to? Unless you covered in clown makeup, wearing an inappropriate or ill-fitting outfit-I wouldn’t worry about your current state of affairs.  There are some things you just can’t make sense of. 

And now that I'm thinking about it, this blog post makes me think it's comparable to that ridiculously lame and overused quote: Sing like no one is listening, LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT, blah blah blah, I'm seriously going to drown myself in vodka, and rethink my blog posts from here on out.  Oh my god.  I am now horrified. 

Hoarding Problems: A Day in the Life of a Fashionista

I never really realized that I had a hoarding problem until very recently.  Like an hour ago recently.  Yet I never feel like I have enough stuff.  Then I realize I have an overwhelming amount of stuff and it makes me want to collapse.  Like how much money has been spent on all this crap.  I could be driving a Range Rover or buying a plane ticket to Asia or something.

It is soooo much easier to just ignore the excess baggage (literal baggage) than to deal with organizing it.  Its like I don’t want to develop some type of OCD problem but this insane amount of crap is making me insane.  So it’s either organize it or throw it all out.  Most of it I wont really miss or even remember that I have.  But some of it I need- like toothpaste and shampoo need.  Therefore I am forced to go through it, if I want to start to be able to walk without bumping into something.

Hours later (or minutes later I'm not really sure) I feel a little more free than initially, but I still feel pretty stressed and pretty grossed out.  Actually I feel more stressed out and unorganized than before I started.  Like, maybe I should go through everything again- maybe I didn’t throw out enough.  Maybe now I’m throwing out too much.  Did I even get anywhere?  There’s still so much.  Now I know why people wear the same thing everyday and travel with a backpack.  Actually why do I feel like I wear the same thing everyday?  And why do I feel like I don’t have anything? 

Okay, okay.  Let me go through this and ask myself.  Do I need this right now and will I miss it in 10 years? I don’t know, printed sweatshirts might be a fashion statement in 10 years.  Actually in 10 years I’ll probably just buy a new one. 

Challenge: every time you buy something- throw one thing out (Unless it’s some type of storage container).  Well don't throw everything out.  Donate some of it. You won’t even remember it existed.