Things to Never Say to a Woman:

Despite popular belief honesty is not the best policy.  Things to never say to anyone of the female race that you're remotely interested in:

1. (And most importantly) "I have a girlfriend, am engaged, am married." Are you Bill Gates? No? Is this an episode of Mad Men? No? Then are you fucking delusional?

2. "I'm balding. My dad is bald.  I could potentially be bald. I know someone balding. " Even if you are don't point it out.

3.Any type of poem or rhyming sentence.  It's not romantic, it's creepy.

4. "Do you want to get coffee?" No.  No one does. If a lost puppy looking for an owner was able to communicate and you asked him to get coffee before you took him home with you and gave him shelter.  He'd say thanks but I'll just wait for the next guy.

5. "Heyyy  (anytime after 11pm)."  Oh just what I've been waiting for all day.

6. "Is that your real hair color?" Is Marty your real name?

7. "Oh you're into fashion? Me too." Please don't try to one up me at something that I can visibly see right at this moment you suck at.

8. "Do you think I'm attractive?" If I did I would have already told you.  If I've said it multiple times in a 5 minute period I'm looking for ways to fill this conversation and am about to go to the bathroom and never come back.

9. "I'm in between jobs at the moment." Just lie.

10. Anything about your crazy ex-girlfriend.

11. Laugh at your own jokes.  Or after every single sentence that you speak.  I'm no longer wondering if you're funny, I'm wondering if I can live with the sound of that fake laugh for the rest of my life.

12. Mention that you shop at Kmart. Just lie.  As far as I'm concerned you get your socks and your toilet paper at any store that doesn't include a metal shopping cart. Or if anything go with Wal-mart.  At least that's considered a lifestyle in small towns.