Priorities of a Spoiled Brat

Priorities of a Spoiled Brat 

(particularly a blonde one)

(In order of importance)

1.     Sleep.  Most people might be on a 7-9 hour sleep cycle.  I require at least 9-11 hours of sleep.  If I’m not well-rested and then some, what’s the point?  I’d rather be pleasant and productive and be a living member of society for less hours of the day, than miserable and slow moving for more hours of the day.

2.     Looking good.  Am I the only one who feels like I should get a round of applause for getting ready everyday?  Probably.  But seriously it takes a century to shower, style my hair, pick out my outfit, etc, etc. 

3.     Money.  So money can’t actually buy happiness because you can’t really buy an emotion.  But it can buy many things that do make you happy.  Material items, a maid, preferable travel methods, etc.

4.     Boys (also interchangeable with money) Yes sleep is more important to me. 

5.     Living in a beautiful ambiance (hence #3. money for hence a maid).

6.     Giving back to society. Yes i would like to donate a dollar to whatever you're sponsering at Walgreens or your local supermarket.

7.     The occasional adventure to a foreign country. Preferably somewhere warm. In an Americanized resort, where everyone speaks English.

8.        Alcohol.

9.     A nearby small animal.  A fish counts.

10. A tan. 

I’m not serious.  But I’m kind of serious.  Stay strong and stay firm.

Speed Round: Shedding The Sweetness

So I haven’t written in awhile and was thinking about writing a whole thing on the great mysteries of life.  You know things like, What happens to whales when they die? Did Dr. Suess have a drug problem?  What is the actual point of camping and why do people enjoy it?  But you know I decided that topic may be a little too high brow so I decided to go a different route.  Still high brow but not soooo high brow.   Hence, my entry inspired by the one and only Simba, superstar of the classic movie the Lion King.  A movie that is also by far the saddest Disney movie ever made.  How could they kill Mufasa?  And not only kill him but, but kill him brutally?  And have Simba be right there?  I could cry just thinking about it.  Anyway to the point.......:

The Self-Entitled 

Many people have this subconscious idea that they own you.  For some deranged reason they think you owe them for their simple existence.  Self-entitled much?  Unless you’re Bill Gates- get off of the high horse and walk on the ground like the rest of us common folk because I’m not digging your shit.  If you came into this earth through someone’s vagina then no one owes you. (That was a little vulgar.  Gross.)

But unless you were raised up Simba status in the Lion King with the entire Animal Kingdom bowing down at your beautiful birth into this world, no one owes you anything and no one has the right to make you feel that way….unless! they push you away from a moving train and save your life, that’s the ONLY exception.  I actually do mean that last statement seriously, it could definitely happen one day.

Niceness is a disease, not always a choice

The majority of my days, I let people have their self-entitlement because I don’t want to be the one to kick them off their high horse.  I’m not a kicker, I’m a lifter.  Sweetness is just a part of me. 

 But just because I leaned on you to help me lift myself up, I was still the one who lifted myself up.  I did all the work.  Not much effort is required for just standing there.  Yet somehow people still get this idea that they own you and you owe them.

Being a nice person and having a sweet personality makes you the perfect prey for the self-entitled.  They all prey on you and they all have this amazing ability to contradict one another.

Exhibit A, B,C, D, E, F, G, etc.:  “Youre hair is too light.  Your makeup is too bright. You hair looks better light.  You look depressed.  You seem too happy.  You take fashion too far.  I love your clothes.  You have great handwriting.  I can’t read your handwriting.  You’re doing everything right.  You’re doing everything wrong.  You’re voice is annoying.  Youre voice is cute.   I like you.  I don’t like you.  Hi I love you.  Hi, Fuck you.”

Well fuck you and you and you and you.  And fuck you and you too.  I’m trying to lift you up and you’re pulling me down.  It’s giving me a bit of a headache and frankly I’m not into physical pain and mental distress at all, let alone putting them both in the same sentence. And how do I always get into these ridiculous predicaments time and time again?  Because I wanted to be nice. 

Shed it, Shed it, Shed it 

Well my friends, as a recovering niceness-addict- I suggest for you to shed the sweetness if you’re not getting it in return.

I’m not going to feel guilty for not handing over my soul and happiness to you just because you stuck your head out for me once or twice.  You don’t owe anyone for anything that they choose to do. 

I would hope that people do things for other people because they genuinely want to, not because they want something in return.  If that’s not the case, then shed the sweetness, shed the guilt, and shed the weight.

The more you can shed from yourself, the more potential there is to be gained.    

Unlikely fears and phobias of NYC blonde

So I have more than a few phobias, some more life debilitating than others, but most of them are pretty common.  I will admit that I do get grossed out more easily and by more things than the average person; however here’s a list a few abnormal phobias I have and I would assume most people would have as well.  The inspiration of such a list is due to the fact that I have too much time on my hands and am losing my mind.  Here we go:

List of fears and phobias related to highly unlikely events:

1. Having the hiccups forever, or really longer than a 60 minute time period

2.  Somehow becoming a Wal-mart employee for life

3.  Having a song stuck in my head forever

4.  Being attacked by a bear

5. One of my eyes falling out

6.  A bug crawling and living inside me

7.  Permanent sunburn

8. Getting crushed by a revolving door

9.  Waiting for a train and it never coming

10. Not getting a seat on a train

11. Being held captive by anyone

12. Being attacked by a ghost or zombie

13. Scary movies coming true

14. Getting appendicitis

15. Getting sucked up by a tornado

16. Being stuck in a hurricane while out to sea

17. Getting trapped in an underground passageway

18. Seeing a ghost or intruder behind me while looking in the mirror

19. Drinking expired milk and becoming violently ill

20. Being abducted by an alien

21. A toy doll coming to life

22. Living in ancient Egypt and having to be a slave

23. Getting lost in space

24. Being stranded on a deserted island

25. Being lost in the woods and then turning into an animal

26. Causing a dinosaur exhibit to collapse

Now I'm going to go throw up because I am so grossed out by all these situations.  A statement that I'm sadly somewhat serious about.

Useless (And Most Likely Inaccurate...) Information About the Art of Lying

Many people are full of crap.  Really at some point in one's life we all spew out some form of false nonsense when your back is against the wall, or when you're just feeling super selfish that day.  Some do it more than others.  Some are better at it and some just blatantly suck.  Most of us suck.  Most of use think we're good at it, but chances are you're probably not.  But in a weird twisted way its kind of cute to watch someone keep going with it.  Maybe comical is actually a better word than cute.  Watching someone dig themselves into a deeper hole is a special kind of entertainment. Therefore, I usually let them just keep going because what else to do I have to do.  But at some point you just have to put an end to their sad little lullaby.

6 Blatantly Obvious Tell-tale signs you're being bullshitted and how to do a less-bad, (but probably still bad) job at bullshitting others:

1.  Work and Work Related Excuses.  The most famous and tried and true bullshit excuse.  Words like working, work, I have to work, still at work, blah blah blah.  I'm sorry did you say you have to work?  Unless you're actively saving the world with your bare hands in a foreign land, I just don't care.  No one really does, because we all either work, are looking for work, or eventually will have to work.  It kind of puts a damper on our lives.  I don't doubt that you're actually working, but you're not searching for the cure for AIDS.
Next time, when going for this excuse: mention something about saving the world and charity.  Sadly, that's more believable than a work excuse.

But anyway, most people usually let this one slide, because people do a pretty good job at convincing you someone else's life is more meaningful than yours.  You know what you go ahead and save the world, I can just sit here and do nothing, because clearly I'm a non-contributing zero who's too dumb too use the work excuse.

Anyway, let's keep going...

2. Two Non-Related Excuses in One.  No one actually listens to what they spew out of their mouths most of the time. I know I don't.  And no one ever really thinks your listening, because to be blunt most people aren't.  But when you do actually put the pieces together it's pretty comical.  So wait let me get this straight...you might have sprained your ankle and..... you might have food poisoning, and this all happened in one hour?  I'm sorry how are those things remotely connected, let alone believable?
Next time, just stick to headache.

3. Non-related External Factors That Are the Cause of All One's Problems.  You're second cousin twice removed got his appendix removed two weeks ago and its just been so stressful since then.  I'm sorry but what does that have to do with today?  Nothing.
Next time, when making a bad excuse, stick to a 48 hour window of time.

4. They're the Victim... when really they should just be saying sorry.  Instead you hear some tall tale about how they got a concussion in 7th grade and it destroyed their self-confidence.  Oh really? That sucks. Get a therapist because no one else is actually interested in what happened to you 20 years ago. Again, Next time, when making a bad excuse, stick to events that have at least happened within the past 365 days.

5. A Raised Voice.  If you didn't do anything wrong than why are you shouting?  Or crying?  Or acting like you've been possessed by a demon?
Next time, just stay calm or remotely stable.

6. They Don't Remember.  Which is really code for they're hoping you don't remember, so maybe it just didn't happen? Not. A. Chance.  It may not have been mentioned in awhile, but people usually remember.
Next time: Don't assume everyone suffers from short-term memory loss.  Dementia usually doesn't happen until your 60s.  

In conclusion, it's really better to just say sorry.  Don't assume you're smarter than anyone, because maybe you actually are when it comes to making robots or understanding metaphors in Shakespeare's poetry, but you're most likely not when it comes to basic functions of life.

When all else fails, the best way to be a fabulous liar it to always keep a poker face.


*I would like to note this blog post was not inspired by real life events, but by a reality TV competition show that I am too embarrassed to admit that I still watch obsessively.  This program relies heavily on lying and outsmarting others, and I would like to live vicariously through this blog.  I personally never use any of these crap in my daily life because I am always honest.  This post is for entertainment purposes and I hope no one takes offense.  (Or maybe its not...*wink* *wink*).

Fake Adventures in the Arctic

This weather, this state of mind, this place makes me want to escape to some type of foreign land.  It’s a physically infeasible trip for various reasons but it’s only a quick mental trip away. Well you have to do research before you fantasize about living another life.  Hmm what the hell, why not Greenland?  It’s a huge rock on a map that we all try and just forget about.

Greenland.  What’s that about?  Who’s a noteworthy person from Greenland?  Um, there’s no one?  Um ok.  Films made or set in Greenland?  The first and only one was made 2 years ago.  Ok that’s progress. 

Well, what do native Greenlanders actually look like?  I began watching YouTube videos in awe, as if Greenlanders were some type of alien creatures living in an arctic planet.  I became possessed reading interviews and looking at photos, until finally I snapped out of it, and realized they’re just human beings with heavier coats who speak Danish, and eat seal (poor seals).  It’s not that exotic.

The lesser-traveled places have always interested me.  I’m always looking for that hidden gem in the world that no one else has found yet.  Well Greenland isn’t a hidden gem, at least from my perspective anyway.  Not many people live there, not many people go there, and there’s a reason why.  I could paint a clearer picture that back up my reasoning, but really who cares?

They just got their first indoor swimming pool a few years ago.  And by they, I’m referring to the entire country.  And by swimming pool, I mean a singular pool.  I don’t know if that’s an interesting fact or just a sad one.

I don’t know what’s worse, the color green or having to live in Greenland.  Camping or Greenland?  I might choose camping (Sidenote: if you camp in Greenland, there's a good chance you might die).  Looking like a monster in New York or being a goddess in Greenland?  I’d go for being a monster.  Marry Richard Simmons?  I’d take one for the team.  Ok maybe not. 

Things are difficult here.  Things are difficult in Greenland.  Everything is relative.  We can’t escape uncontrollable factors.  Make the best of what you have wherever it may be.  At the end of the day, life is just a state of mind.