Thirteen Things I Find Extremely Annoying (Written By A Blonde Twenty Something)

It's winter.  I'm cold.  I've gotten less than my standard 9 hours of sleep.  And I'm annoyed.

Thirteen Things That Are Really Annoying Me Right At This Moment:

1. Commercials.  What is this the stone age?
2. When people complain about who may or may not get elected for president and say they're moving to Canada if so and so wins (you're not moving to Canada).
3. When people who were born blonde can't accept that they haven't been a natural blonde since the age of 10.  Or now that you're 20- it's probably not even light brown.  It's brown.  Completely brown.
4. People who judge my lifestyle.  You have a cigarette in one hand and a lottery ticket in the other and  you're questioning me?
5.  People who complain that other people steal their style.  It's not like you designed and sewed the outfit yourself.  Shouldn't you be flattered?
6. Strangers that talk to you like you're their new therapist or best friend using lots of first names you've never heard before.  It's been 5 minutes into our conversation and I already feel like I know too much about Jane a.k.a. your boyfriend's cousin who I'll never meet.
7. Adam Sandler. Shut. Up.
8. People who find Adam Sandler funny.  I am now questioning your sense of humor.  And my own for that matter.
9. Humidity. Why?
10. People who constantly have to reiterate the fact that they're "real."  If you have to think about it, then maybe you're not really that "real."
11. A semi acquaintance who hasn't spoken to you in 12 years suddenly asking you for a favor.  Who are you again?  And the answer is no.  Actually the answer is silence a.k.a still no.
12. People who pretend to be "spacey" to get away with being a horrible human being.  Don't blame being horrible on a horrible memory.
13.  Being purposefully and obviously snubbed from anything.  At least make up a fake excuse so I can feel bad about not sending a gift basket (or my regards…both are interchangeable).

Now that I've released that negative energy building up inside me…I love the world, I love you all, and life is beautiful..unless you fall into #'s 1 thru 13.

The Length of a Single Second

We're always complaining that we never have enough time, there aren't enough hours in the day, where does the time go.  But if you stop and think, all great things can happen in the span of a single second.

In a single second you can…

Fall in love

Fall out of love

Change a life

Ruin a life

Feel complete

Smile

Trip

Blink

Hear a heartbeat

Receive a phone call

Shut a door

Open a door

Turn on the faucet

Sneeze

Create an explosion

Sense the cold

Experience the warmth

Feel a raindrop

Enter a New Year

Laugh

Hit a baseball

Smell a rose

See a rainbow

Turn on a light

Have an epiphany

See a zombie

Hold a hand

Don't underestimate the length of a single second.  

Why Valentine’s Day Is Amazing---Taken, Single, or In Between.

Ok I really don’t get the eye rolls associated with Valentines day.  If you’re with someone it’s a great day to embrace it.  If you’re single you have an entire day to indulge in any type of vice and have it be acceptable.  Or a really great reason to hang out with your friends.  If you’re in between then you get to do all three of the above. 

Everyone gets to eat candy.  Drink Champagne.  Um you get to look at the color pink all day- the prettiest color in the crayon box.  Get to look at hearts.  Watch cheesy chick flicks and other girl stuff.  Or do guy stuff if you’re a guy (whatever guy stuff actually is).

I mean if you’re sad to be alone, it’s time to get a grip and see a therapist because if you need another person to allow yourself to live your life you need help.  If you don’t like the flowers your significant other gave you or something along those lines then you also need help because who doesn’t like getting flowers, whether they’re ugly or not?  Or a gift?  I mean if you don’t like it you can exchange it, regift it, or sell it on eBay.  If you're heartbroken you get to self-loathe and no one can blame you.

If you’re in love you can dream of wedding bells and marital bliss.  If you’re single you can look at other couples and laugh at how they’ll probably be divorced and a wreck in 5 years (...whatever helps you sleep at night).

No need to hate on a day that breaks the grossness of February up.  Eat your skittles and put on a smile.  After all it's just another day.  

Why 'Ferris Bueller’s Day Off' Will Never Be My Reality.

Okay if you haven’t seen Ferris Bueller’s Day off by now there’s seriously something wrong with you.  It’s a classic.  It’s timeless.  It’s not in black and white.  And it’s not deep or hard to follow.  Everyone should like it.  I’ve never met someone who didn’t like it.  But every single time I watch the movie I’m just so enamored with the idea that he literally had the perfect day.  Like yes it's a fictional story I get it, but I’m just so captivated by movies that take place within a single day time span.  I think it's because I’m so incapable of accomplishing so much in one day.  One time I was so proud of myself for showering, styling my hair, painting my nails, making my bed, and eating lunch all before 1pm.  The feeling immediately wore off when my mom told me she cooked a meal, clean the entire house, did laundry, went to the gym, went to the bank, and then some, along with a look of disgust.  Oh I guess that’s what real people have to do.

But I just can't wrap my mind around how this day is just so unrealistic for me to recreate.  You know how you have those goals in life?  Like visit Rome, run a marathon, touch the Pacific Ocean, meet <insert any celebrity>.  Well mine is to relive Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  Reasoning as to why this day will never happen for me:

Well first off I graduated from high school in 2007 so there’s that.  But aside from that technicality….

Okay so I could totally pull off the faking sick to not have to go somewhere (not that I've ever done that).  I mean when you wake up in the morning you kind of look like your sick anyway.  Literally every single time I go anywhere immediately after rolling out of bed- makeup free, hair unbrushed, bags under my eyes- instantaneously the first person I see says “Are you okay?  You look like you're sick”  If wanting to crawl back into your bed is not being ok, then no I’m not okay.  Sadly it’s not. 

But then after faking sick, I would immediately go back to sleep and wake up at 1pm.  Isn’t that the whole point of faking sick? Or the whole point of a snow day? To sleep? Right? Is that just me? And then when you finally do wake up the day is practically over by the time you shower and put yourself together.  I have a sleeping addiction and I’m not proud of it.  Moving on.

He sits poolside with a carafe of iced tea while he calls his neurotic friend.  Immediately after his parents leave.  Um does anyone have any idea of how long it takes to make iced tea with freshly squeezed lemon, pour it in a carafe, grab a glass, cut up some type of pineapple or lemon, position the glass and carafe on a tray and lay out poolside?  And he probably had to put on sunscreen because he’s pale.  It doesn’t sound like too much effort but try it and you’ll find out.

Also I don’t know anyone with a Ferrari.  So that takes off a bit of edge if I were to actually try and recreate the event.

He manages to get his girlfriend excused from school for the day…okay it’s a movie I’ll let that one slide.

So even if I didn’t have a desire to sleep the day away and knew someone with a Ferrari…how could someone possibly do all of that in one day…and not only do all of that but be so energized.  Who has time to dine out to lunch, see a baseball game, visit the stock exchange, go to an art museum, sing on a parade float, and go swimming?  In a single day.  I’d do one of the above then go home and have to take a nap.  And in these days if someone sang on a parade float…they’d get arrested.  And in a city of any kind- there's traffic and physical movement is equivalent to that of a turtle.

Conclusion:  You can get so much done in a single day if you don’t sleep the day away.  Yes there’s probably something physically wrong with morning people but at least they get stuff done.  Now excuse me while I go take a nap or rewatch Ferris Bueller's Day off.

The Snow Day Where I Got A Louis

So here I am all set to go to work for the day.  I heard some rumblings about precipitation but I wasn’t really paying attention.  We had two big snowstorms already, I tend to live in a cloud, and I think we’re done for the year with extreme weather.  And then I walked out as saw my street completely unplowed.  Okay clearly I’m not going to work and clearly I’m trapped for the day.  Now what.

So I thought, oh perfect opportunity to go to the gym.  Oh wait…I’m trapped in my driveway.  Oh wait I’m completely TRAPPED in my driveway.  I may or may not have a small claustrophobia problem that doesn’t really exist at all, but sometimes I feel like it does.  So really panic set in for no particular reason because I’m not actually claustrophobic and I actually really enjoy lounging around.  But when you have an authentic right to lounge around- it’s just not the same.  I can’t sit still.  Suddenly there’s just way too many options: do I catch up on my Netflix queue, do I dust, do I write a novel? I don’t know and this is too stressful.

So I cleaned.  Well, lets clarify- I don’t actually clean.  Ever.  I just organize.  So I faced the tedious and awful and emotionally heartbreaking and grueling and nauseating experience of cleaning out my closet.  I wouldn’t say I’m a clothes hoarder but I wouldn’t say I’m not a clothes hoarder.  I mean yes I never wear 75% of the clothes I own, but I like having them there as a buffer IN CASE they come back in style...or I lose weight...or I gain weight...or I suddenly figure out a way to wear them differently and then suddenly become really attached.  And then there’s certain items that I bought on vacations, or with my first ever paycheck, or my grandma bought for me, etc.

But today I was like fuck it.  This shit is taking up space, its making my closet look ugly, and I’m sick of being confined to ¼ of my closet with the things I actually do wear and use.  That bunch of stuff I donated during my last purge?  I can’t remember a single item.  If I get rid of all this stuff if gives me a GREAT excuse to buy more stuff.

Normally after getting rid of so much baggage you just feel like your mind is clear and free.  But unfortunately I still have another closet to go through- and have a dresser- but whatever this was the main hurdle so yay for me.  But eh didn’t really feel that accomplished.

But considering this was my mother’s biggest dream to throw large quantities of things away- I thought (yes I not she) I totally deserved something, so she gave me one of her Louis Vuitton purses.  Well, she actually said maybe I could have it, and then I kind of just took it- so that’s basically the same thing? She had previously asked me to sell it and then there was just a random LV dust bag sitting on the other side of her closet- so really I was doing her a favor.  I’ve never really lusted after the bags before but I mean it’s a Louis, if someone’s giving it to me I’m taking it and cherishing it.  (and by the way- it's grammatically still spelled Louis not Louie because it's a French brand so the "s" is silent, and I refuse to be tacky-so adjust the phonetics of the word in your head).

So now as the proud owner of my first Louis Vuitton, I didn’t really feel that much excitement.  I didn’t feel that excited about overcoming my overwhelming anxiety of feeling trapped for the day either, or about cleaning out and donating a huge portion of my closet (hello doing charity work), or about getting an insanely inexpensive purse? What the hell is wrong with me today?

And then I realized- maybe it’s because it’s 3pm, I haven’t showered, am surrounded by piles of laundry, and am wearing a neon yellow oversized T-shirt that says “Ted Is My Thunder Buddy” with a huge image of a teddy bear (seriously).

Which leads me to the moral of this story- it is all about ambiance and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Sure one might enjoy a hamburger from McDonald’s more than they would at the Ritz Carlton- but would you rather sit in a chair bolted to the floor with a homeless guy sitting outside or sit in a Chateaux with a view of the Eiffel Tower?

Sure when you’re by yourself on a snow day there’s not really a point to getting spruced up or sipping champagne- but you never know when you’re randomly going to get a very expensive purse.  

Things to Never Say to a Woman:

Despite popular belief honesty is not the best policy.  Things to never say to anyone of the female race that you're remotely interested in:

1. (And most importantly) "I have a girlfriend, am engaged, am married." Are you Bill Gates? No? Is this an episode of Mad Men? No? Then are you fucking delusional?

2. "I'm balding. My dad is bald.  I could potentially be bald. I know someone balding. " Even if you are don't point it out.

3.Any type of poem or rhyming sentence.  It's not romantic, it's creepy.

4. "Do you want to get coffee?" No.  No one does. If a lost puppy looking for an owner was able to communicate and you asked him to get coffee before you took him home with you and gave him shelter.  He'd say thanks but I'll just wait for the next guy.

5. "Heyyy  (anytime after 11pm)."  Oh just what I've been waiting for all day.

6. "Is that your real hair color?" Is Marty your real name?

7. "Oh you're into fashion? Me too." Please don't try to one up me at something that I can visibly see right at this moment you suck at.

8. "Do you think I'm attractive?" If I did I would have already told you.  If I've said it multiple times in a 5 minute period I'm looking for ways to fill this conversation and am about to go to the bathroom and never come back.

9. "I'm in between jobs at the moment." Just lie.

10. Anything about your crazy ex-girlfriend.

11. Laugh at your own jokes.  Or after every single sentence that you speak.  I'm no longer wondering if you're funny, I'm wondering if I can live with the sound of that fake laugh for the rest of my life.

12. Mention that you shop at Kmart. Just lie.  As far as I'm concerned you get your socks and your toilet paper at any store that doesn't include a metal shopping cart. Or if anything go with Wal-mart.  At least that's considered a lifestyle in small towns.