That Time I Lived Alone for 14 days. And 6 Minutes.

So living alone sucks.   Its like 100% awesome for the first 72 hours but then it becomes like 30% awesome and 60% oh my god I’m doing everything I want to do but I’m not sure if this is how humans were meant to live ever.  Living alone comes with so many questions.  Are other people doing this at home?  I can wake up at 3p.m. and no one cares? Is it acceptable to just eat dinner for breakfast…at 4p.m because its in the fridge and I could make eggs or something but then I’d have to clean that up and that’s a little too much effort considering I’ve done nothing all day. 

24 hours in: I have literally not spoken words to anyone for 24 hours.  Do I start speaking to myself just to warm up my vocal cords? 

36 hours in: Wait I need to wash this shirt but I don’t feel like I’ve accumulated enough laundry to do laundry so can I just wear it dirty?  Can I just wash one shirt?  Will my washer machine allow that? 

36 hours and 15 minutes later: God how does one person accumulate so much garbage?

3 hours later: If I lose my phone in my own home. There is no one to call it so I can find it.  Oh.

30 minutes later: I guess I’m killing that bug. 

Another 30 minutes later: I guess I’m in charge of recycling day. 

72 hours later:  What day is it?  This was fun but now I’m not so much lonely, as much as I’m confused.  I’ve officially missed 90% of the day and it felt really good but it also felt really wrong.  I mean is there ever a reason to take more than one nap in a day?  No.  just no.  There's not.  But there should be. 

2 minutes later: If I don’t leave my house for the next 48 hours, it’s the mailman obligated to say something to someone because I might be dead?

5 minutes later at the grocery store: I'm not going to use all of those eggs.  Not going to drink all of that milk.  Not going to eat all of that chicken.  I guess i'm just going to buy a head of lettuce, some juice and hope that holds me over.  

Another 24 hours later:  Oh hello sales clerk at the pharmacy, you’re my only human interaction for the day so let’s make this count.  Did I have a long day?  I don’t know its 5p.m I just woke up 2 hours ago, and I feel like I could potentially go for another nap.  Don’t confuse I look like I had a long work day for I just woke up.

6 hours later:  Go to the liquor store.  Liquor man: "Hello. I don’t have a wife or girlfriend."  Me: "Oh?" I'd like to say I’m single and I’m not looking because dear god lets be real here, but I’m just going to smile, walk away, and go back to the imaginary group of people I’m buying all of this alcohol for, but actually planning on drinking myself.

5 full days in: Okay I’m starting to feel like a monk.  Minus the deep reflection or what ever reason they don’t speak (they don’t speak right?) And minus the cave.  Wait do monks live in caves?  Do caves exist outside of sci-fi movies?  Actually I think I’m thinking of a mime.  Okay I’m like mime without the hand movements and the circus.  Because let’s face it my life has now become a freak show.  Oh wait no I might be becoming a mute.  A mute.  Right? Okay screw it, I feel like a mime/mute/monk.  Obscure facts are not my thing.

10 days in: Epiphany- OHHH THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GET CATS.  Maybe if I just start randomly meowing throughout the day I’ll no longer be allergic and one will just appear outside my doorstep.  Wait…I’m not desperate enough for a cat.  I’m really not into cats. 

10 days in and 30 minutes later: Maybe I’ll just get a koala and find a tree.  Then I’d be that koala person.  And they also sleep for 18 hours a day so it would work out.  I’m sure they just eat leaves and air.  And are capable of finding their own water source and making their own fire out of branches if needed.  I could just hug them and move on. 

14 day Conclusion:  Roommates might be annoying in theory.  But they’re human interaction. Don’t take it for granted.