That Time I Tried My Hand At Self Reflection and Failed Miserably

Repressing one’s feelings is pretty easy.  You just watch a lot of TV.  Pop in and out of a bunch of Starbucks.  Drink some coffee and buy a bunch of stuff.  Throw in doing the dishes here and there.  And great.  Problem solved.  You have no feelings.  Life is so much easier that way.  Eh someone told you that they didn’t like you for whatever ridiculous reason today.  Who honestly cares when you have an entire season of The Big Bang Theory waiting for you.  Eh you haven’t really made much progress on that project you started about 7 months ago, but tomorrow is a new day and pumpkin spice only comes once a year…well not once.  More like 3 months out of the year but 3 months is like 3 hours these days.  Right?

Okay no.  I may or may not (and the answer is may) have been repressing almost all my feelings over the past year just because it’s easier that way.  I decided its time for me to face the music if I want a life that involves more than bracelets and Netflix (…but do I?...okay yes, yes I do.)  And I also need to actually think more than 5 minutes before I make a major decision.  There’s been a couple of decisions I’ve made this year that I didn’t really think all of the way through.  That I would say probably turned out awful but I’ve been in a repressive state so they didn't seem so bad…at the time.  So to reverse all of the non decisions I've made, I have to contemplate more.  And unfortunately that requires me to think.  Which unfortunately requires me to reflect.  Reflect on what, I don’t really know.  Why trees are green?  Why birds chirp?  The meaning of love? Please shoot me.  I’m not really the mushy type. 

Well whatever, let me blindly Google something to get this show started.  Um…um…start with something easy…”Signs you’re narrow minded?” I’d like to consider myself as extremely opened minded therefore I should have nothing to work on in this department. And then I read through all 10 signs and I’m like shit, I’m kind of closed-minded. 

Okay moving on, let’s read my about my star sign.  Maybe the forces of the universe can tell me something.  Google says….”you’re a tortured soul…” (WHAT?), “will constantly battle inner demons throughout your life” (come again?), “you’ll probably have a steady but unremarkable marriage” (oh my god who publishes these things).  I’m not pale and I don’t draw, therefore I’m not tortured...wait that statement made me sound so closed-minded. 

Alright let me read about my Chinese zodiac.  I’m the year of the Snake?  Doesn’t the universe know I have a severe snake phobia? Wahhh, you’re using words like slither and coil and I’m about the puke.  I can’t go further.  Move on.  Just move on.  Oh here’s a personality quiz. Result: “you’re 50% neurotic.” What!? No, just no.  How can you know that after 10 questions?  And honestly I don’t even really know what the word neurotic means?  I thought it was a meaningless interchangeable adjective for phrases like “you’re a jerk.” 

So time passes and then after hours of googling things, I somehow find myself reading about the existence of aliens living on earth and people’s tales of near death experiences.  And you would think that I would stop there.  But I keep going and I’m reading about past lives, the actual Big Bang Theory, celebrities who were schizophrenic (because I really think Amanda Bynes might be schizophrenic), signs of a sociopath because you just never know these days who you’re interacting with, zombie apocalypses, and it goes on. 

And then (…FINALLY…) I’m like “what does any of this personally have to do with me?”  I think I got self-reflection completely confused with the entire meaning of, not just life, but the universe.  And I think that’s actually an understatement. 

Self-reflection doesn’t require you to seclude yourself in a forest for a year and write poems.  Its been done.  Everyone that I’ve ever met is not a psychopath, I am not neurotic, and no, aliens are not coming to get me. 

Conclusion: Self reflection is as simple as, “What did I enjoy about this day, what didn’t I enjoy about this day, and how can I change it tomorrow?”  “What am I working towards and what did I do today to get there?” Now excuse me while I get back to whatever’s on HBO.