Aspirations at Midnight on Monday

 

If a genie granted me 5 wishes.  I’d wish for the following:

1. I wish I were an alien.  Are aliens going to abduct me now that I just said that?   Like how do they choose who they’re going to abduct?  I feel like they always choose people on cat hoarder shows or extreme couponers or farmers that farm crops that no one really wants.  Well I’m none of those things so I pray they don’t abduct me. 

2. I wish I were a fish.  So I knew what true extreme boredom must be like.  Like what else do they do beside swim?  There’s no entertainment down there.  And they never get to see themselves in a mirror.  And their memory is like 12 seconds? Life must be so confusing. 

3. I wish I were an eskimo.  And I could live in an igloo.   And build snowmen all day.  And create ice sculptures.  And see a moose in person.  Unless moose are dangerous.  Then I’ll pass on the moose part of eskimo life.

4. I wish I was a Virgo.  So I could know if it feels exactly the same as being a Gemini, confirming that if you use general words to make sentences feel personalized, then horoscopes are a sham.  Or to confirm, that yes, I do have personality issues, it’s not everyone, it is just me and the other millions of people born during the month of June.

5. Then I'd wish to be myself again.  On earth.  On land.  Eating fish I didn’t have to catch myself.  With a better birthday.  

Extreme Problems…In Beverly Hills?

Flashback…I don’t know…a bunch of years ago….  

I’m watching American idol.  There was nothing else on and I’m in the type of mood to age myself by about 70 years.  I’m in a good enough mood to willingly sit through American idol, so that says something.  And then Contestant One comes on.  

• Story 1:  Contestant 1- I just got out of an abusive relationship and saved my children from violence.  Me: Oh my God.  I hope she makes it.  
• Story 2: Contestant 2- I got laid off from my job and now I’m homeless.  Me: Oh my God! Please put her on the show and give her a home.  
• Story 3: Contestant 3: I had to give up my dreams to care for my ailing relative.  Me: Oh. My. God.  Put him on this show even though he’s not that great.  

And it continues a few more times before I’m just like I need to shut this off.  I'm depressed.  I need to donate more.  I need to like pick corn and hand it out to people because, I don’t know, unnecessary hard labor seems like it will help people.  Whatever, it probably won’t.  Clearly I’m delusional right now but I need to do something.  I at least need to do something to put myself on these people’s levels of living.  And then after an hour of extreme empathy, I realized, I need to pull it together.  I don’t know these people, just help the person in front of you, and..oh… live your own life. 

Fast forward (to a galaxy far away)…

I’m watching another reality competition.  The sob stories continue.  I’m pushing for them mainly based on their story versus actual talent.  But after like, the 4^th one, okay maybe the 5^th one (okay maybe the 6^th one) I don’t really feel that bad anymore.  And immediately I’m like, oh my God I am so heartless, I need to find a secluded area in a secluded country, meditate for a few days, and then come back, and then, I don’t know give the contestants a hug and an apology for being a horrible human being.  Mongolia is a little far, but I'll settle for a corner in New Mexico.  

Again, ridiculous thoughts and clearly delusional.  I finally just realized, I’m not a heartless or horrible person.  I’m just tired of being used.  Stop tugging on my ability to feel empathy to get some type of gain.  I think that person from American idol ended up in jail a few years later for like actually choking someone (probably for drugs).  Oh that other contestant...on drugs.  And that other contestant...on drugs.  And wait, that girl from Teen Mom, who I felt bad for because she had to shop at Wal-mart and not eat because she had no money, made over $200,000 last year?  And is now in rehab because she was…on drugs?  What an unnecessary waste of my emotions.

Fast forward to the conclusion…

Sob stories may get you somewhere but they won’t keep you there.  Turn off the bad tv and turn on…I don’t know…something else?  Sorry, I flushed my catchy catchphrases down the toilet along with my dreams of single-handedly ending the sadness of all reality show contestants.  

That Time I Tried My Hand At Self Reflection and Failed Miserably

Repressing one’s feelings is pretty easy.  You just watch a lot of TV.  Pop in and out of a bunch of Starbucks.  Drink some coffee and buy a bunch of stuff.  Throw in doing the dishes here and there.  And great.  Problem solved.  You have no feelings.  Life is so much easier that way.  Eh someone told you that they didn’t like you for whatever ridiculous reason today.  Who honestly cares when you have an entire season of The Big Bang Theory waiting for you.  Eh you haven’t really made much progress on that project you started about 7 months ago, but tomorrow is a new day and pumpkin spice only comes once a year…well not once.  More like 3 months out of the year but 3 months is like 3 hours these days.  Right?

Okay no.  I may or may not (and the answer is may) have been repressing almost all my feelings over the past year just because it’s easier that way.  I decided its time for me to face the music if I want a life that involves more than bracelets and Netflix (…but do I?...okay yes, yes I do.)  And I also need to actually think more than 5 minutes before I make a major decision.  There’s been a couple of decisions I’ve made this year that I didn’t really think all of the way through.  That I would say probably turned out awful but I’ve been in a repressive state so they didn't seem so bad…at the time.  So to reverse all of the non decisions I've made, I have to contemplate more.  And unfortunately that requires me to think.  Which unfortunately requires me to reflect.  Reflect on what, I don’t really know.  Why trees are green?  Why birds chirp?  The meaning of love? Please shoot me.  I’m not really the mushy type. 

Well whatever, let me blindly Google something to get this show started.  Um…um…start with something easy…”Signs you’re narrow minded?” I’d like to consider myself as extremely opened minded therefore I should have nothing to work on in this department. And then I read through all 10 signs and I’m like shit, I’m kind of closed-minded. 

Okay moving on, let’s read my about my star sign.  Maybe the forces of the universe can tell me something.  Google says….”you’re a tortured soul…” (WHAT?), “will constantly battle inner demons throughout your life” (come again?), “you’ll probably have a steady but unremarkable marriage” (oh my god who publishes these things).  I’m not pale and I don’t draw, therefore I’m not tortured...wait that statement made me sound so closed-minded. 

Alright let me read about my Chinese zodiac.  I’m the year of the Snake?  Doesn’t the universe know I have a severe snake phobia? Wahhh, you’re using words like slither and coil and I’m about the puke.  I can’t go further.  Move on.  Just move on.  Oh here’s a personality quiz. Result: “you’re 50% neurotic.” What!? No, just no.  How can you know that after 10 questions?  And honestly I don’t even really know what the word neurotic means?  I thought it was a meaningless interchangeable adjective for phrases like “you’re a jerk.” 

So time passes and then after hours of googling things, I somehow find myself reading about the existence of aliens living on earth and people’s tales of near death experiences.  And you would think that I would stop there.  But I keep going and I’m reading about past lives, the actual Big Bang Theory, celebrities who were schizophrenic (because I really think Amanda Bynes might be schizophrenic), signs of a sociopath because you just never know these days who you’re interacting with, zombie apocalypses, and it goes on. 

And then (…FINALLY…) I’m like “what does any of this personally have to do with me?”  I think I got self-reflection completely confused with the entire meaning of, not just life, but the universe.  And I think that’s actually an understatement. 

Self-reflection doesn’t require you to seclude yourself in a forest for a year and write poems.  Its been done.  Everyone that I’ve ever met is not a psychopath, I am not neurotic, and no, aliens are not coming to get me. 

Conclusion: Self reflection is as simple as, “What did I enjoy about this day, what didn’t I enjoy about this day, and how can I change it tomorrow?”  “What am I working towards and what did I do today to get there?” Now excuse me while I get back to whatever’s on HBO. 

That Time I Lived Alone for 14 days. And 6 Minutes.

So living alone sucks.   Its like 100% awesome for the first 72 hours but then it becomes like 30% awesome and 60% oh my god I’m doing everything I want to do but I’m not sure if this is how humans were meant to live ever.  Living alone comes with so many questions.  Are other people doing this at home?  I can wake up at 3p.m. and no one cares? Is it acceptable to just eat dinner for breakfast…at 4p.m because its in the fridge and I could make eggs or something but then I’d have to clean that up and that’s a little too much effort considering I’ve done nothing all day. 

24 hours in: I have literally not spoken words to anyone for 24 hours.  Do I start speaking to myself just to warm up my vocal cords? 

36 hours in: Wait I need to wash this shirt but I don’t feel like I’ve accumulated enough laundry to do laundry so can I just wear it dirty?  Can I just wash one shirt?  Will my washer machine allow that? 

36 hours and 15 minutes later: God how does one person accumulate so much garbage?

3 hours later: If I lose my phone in my own home. There is no one to call it so I can find it.  Oh.

30 minutes later: I guess I’m killing that bug. 

Another 30 minutes later: I guess I’m in charge of recycling day. 

72 hours later:  What day is it?  This was fun but now I’m not so much lonely, as much as I’m confused.  I’ve officially missed 90% of the day and it felt really good but it also felt really wrong.  I mean is there ever a reason to take more than one nap in a day?  No.  just no.  There's not.  But there should be. 

2 minutes later: If I don’t leave my house for the next 48 hours, it’s the mailman obligated to say something to someone because I might be dead?

5 minutes later at the grocery store: I'm not going to use all of those eggs.  Not going to drink all of that milk.  Not going to eat all of that chicken.  I guess i'm just going to buy a head of lettuce, some juice and hope that holds me over.  

Another 24 hours later:  Oh hello sales clerk at the pharmacy, you’re my only human interaction for the day so let’s make this count.  Did I have a long day?  I don’t know its 5p.m I just woke up 2 hours ago, and I feel like I could potentially go for another nap.  Don’t confuse I look like I had a long work day for I just woke up.

6 hours later:  Go to the liquor store.  Liquor man: "Hello. I don’t have a wife or girlfriend."  Me: "Oh?" I'd like to say I’m single and I’m not looking because dear god lets be real here, but I’m just going to smile, walk away, and go back to the imaginary group of people I’m buying all of this alcohol for, but actually planning on drinking myself.

5 full days in: Okay I’m starting to feel like a monk.  Minus the deep reflection or what ever reason they don’t speak (they don’t speak right?) And minus the cave.  Wait do monks live in caves?  Do caves exist outside of sci-fi movies?  Actually I think I’m thinking of a mime.  Okay I’m like mime without the hand movements and the circus.  Because let’s face it my life has now become a freak show.  Oh wait no I might be becoming a mute.  A mute.  Right? Okay screw it, I feel like a mime/mute/monk.  Obscure facts are not my thing.

10 days in: Epiphany- OHHH THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GET CATS.  Maybe if I just start randomly meowing throughout the day I’ll no longer be allergic and one will just appear outside my doorstep.  Wait…I’m not desperate enough for a cat.  I’m really not into cats. 

10 days in and 30 minutes later: Maybe I’ll just get a koala and find a tree.  Then I’d be that koala person.  And they also sleep for 18 hours a day so it would work out.  I’m sure they just eat leaves and air.  And are capable of finding their own water source and making their own fire out of branches if needed.  I could just hug them and move on. 

14 day Conclusion:  Roommates might be annoying in theory.  But they’re human interaction. Don’t take it for granted.