Many people are full of crap. Really at some point in one's life we all spew out some form of false nonsense when your back is against the wall, or when you're just feeling super selfish that day. Some do it more than others. Some are better at it and some just blatantly suck. Most of us suck. Most of use think we're good at it, but chances are you're probably not. But in a weird twisted way its kind of cute to watch someone keep going with it. Maybe comical is actually a better word than cute. Watching someone dig themselves into a deeper hole is a special kind of entertainment. Therefore, I usually let them just keep going because what else to do I have to do. But at some point you just have to put an end to their sad little lullaby.
6 Blatantly Obvious Tell-tale signs you're being bullshitted and how to do a less-bad, (but probably still bad) job at bullshitting others:
1.
Work and Work Related Excuses. The most famous and tried and true bullshit excuse. Words like working, work, I have to work, still at work, blah blah blah. I'm sorry did you say you have to work? Unless you're actively saving the world with your bare hands in a foreign land, I just don't care. No one really does, because we all either work, are looking for work, or eventually will have to work. It kind of puts a damper on our lives. I don't doubt that you're actually working, but you're not searching for the cure for AIDS.
Next time, when going for this excuse: mention something about saving the world and charity. Sadly, that's more believable than a work excuse.
But anyway, most people usually let this one slide, because people do a pretty good job at convincing you someone else's life is more meaningful than yours. You know what you go ahead and save the world, I can just sit here and do nothing, because clearly I'm a non-contributing zero who's too dumb too use the work excuse.
Anyway, let's keep going...
2.
Two Non-Related Excuses in One. No one actually listens to what they spew out of their mouths most of the time. I know I don't. And no one ever really thinks your listening, because to be blunt most people aren't. But when you do actually put the pieces together it's pretty comical. So wait let me get this straight...you might have sprained your ankle and..... you might have food poisoning, and this all happened in one hour? I'm sorry how are those things remotely connected, let alone believable?
Next time, just stick to headache.
3.
Non-related External Factors That Are the Cause of All One's Problems. You're second cousin twice removed got his appendix removed two weeks ago and its just been so stressful since then. I'm sorry but what does that have to do with today? Nothing.
Next time, when making a bad excuse, stick to a 48 hour window of time.
4.
They're the Victim... when really they should just be saying sorry
. Instead you hear some tall tale about how they got a concussion in 7th grade and it destroyed their self-confidence. Oh really? That sucks. Get a therapist because no one else is actually interested in what happened to you 20 years ago.
Again, Next time, when making a bad excuse, stick to events that have at least happened within the past 365 days.
5.
A Raised Voice. If you didn't do anything wrong than why are you shouting? Or crying? Or acting like you've been possessed by a demon?
Next time, just stay calm or remotely stable.
6.
They Don't Remember. Which is really code for they're hoping you don't remember, so maybe it just didn't happen? Not. A. Chance. It may not have been mentioned in awhile, but people usually remember.
Next time: Don't assume everyone suffers from short-term memory loss. Dementia usually doesn't happen until your 60s.
In conclusion, it's really better to just say sorry. Don't assume you're smarter than anyone, because maybe you actually are when it comes to making robots or understanding metaphors in Shakespeare's poetry, but you're most likely not when it comes to basic functions of life.
When all else fails, the best way to be a fabulous liar it to always keep a poker face.
*I would like to note this blog post was not inspired by real life events, but by a reality TV competition show that I am too embarrassed to admit that I still watch obsessively. This program relies heavily on lying and outsmarting others, and I would like to live vicariously through this blog. I personally never use any of these crap in my daily life because I am always honest. This post is for entertainment purposes and I hope no one takes offense. (Or maybe its not...*wink* *wink*).
