Life is a Riddle I Just Can't Solve

Over the past few weeks I've felt like so many things were unraveling, just waiting to fall apart.  Stability was hanging by a thread that was about to snap at any moment.

There's a lot that I don't know.  A lot of answers I wish I had.  A lot of things I wish I could explain, but life is one mysterious man.  We push people away when we need them most.  Friends tell you things you don't want to hear.  Sometimes you wish everyone would just lie to you.  Lie to you as easily as you can lie to yourself.  During the darkest moments, you become such a lonely soul.  You wish you could explain it.  you wish you had all the answers to give.  But you don't.  You don't know why.  You don't seem to ever have the right words, only the wrong ones.

Major life events always bring up feelings of guilt for me.  A.k.a. my upcoming graduation.  Should I have done more? Could I have done more?  Did I try hard enough?  Did I miss something?  Should I be proud?  Should I apologize? I just don't know.

Who's a good influence?  What's a bad influence?  I don't know.

None of us think we're like the rest.  Maybe that means that none of us are like each other.  Thats why is so hard to understand what goes through someone's mind and the reasons for their actions.  Trying to figure it all out is exhausting.  Leaning on yourself is exhausting.

So I stopped looking for the answers.  I stopped trying to figure it all out.  And then the answer came to me.  All it took was one inspirational quote, and suddenly it all became clear:

"Don't be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do.  Even mistakes mean you're trying."

Then for a minute I stopped pressuring myself so much to make the right decisions.  And suddenly things started to come to together.

Therefore I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure out an impossible riddle.

Just love yourself.

The Day I Saw Jim Carrey and Learned to Channel My Inner Luke Skywalker

    It was a beautiful sunny day, but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to notice.  It was humid of course, but that’s almost guaranteed during the month of May in New York.  That I noticed.  The humidity.  I was running to whatever desperate place I had to get to.  I’m always late.  I never give myself enough time.  I had just rolled out of bed, hair a mess, still partially yawning, hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew.  I mean its rare you run into many people you know in Manhattan, but from time to time it does happen.  Usually someone you don’t ever want to run into.  I’m about to cross the street but I’m stopped by a red light at Canal and Broadway.  I’m thinking this is such an awful place of an area.  Why anyone would willingly come here I don’t know.  I look straight ahead for the first time all day.  I black van stops directly in front of me, stopped by traffic.  The window is down, and who looks directly into my eyes?  A-List celebrity Jim Carrey.  It was almost like a love story out of a movie.  It was like love at first sight the first time we caught each others eyes and saw into each others souls.  In reality, he was waiting for me to draw attention and say something like “you’re Jim Carrey!”  But I did what any rational idiot would do, and I stood there like a wide-eyed lost puppy, and I did nothing. Then he turned to his friend and moved along.  Jim Carrey was gone.

            Starstruck, I realized this is completely typical of me.  I always buckle under high pressure situations.  Not even high pressure situations- stressful situations, spotlight situations, anything situation involving a timer.  I got a famous sports star’s autograph a few years ago and I forgot how to talk.  An extremely attractive guy checks me out on the street, I forget how to walk.  A reality star told me to come to his table and party with him at a nightclub, I went home.  Jim Carrey looks me in the eyes and I forget I’m a human being.  If someone asked me to spell my name in 5 seconds, I’d probably freak out and say something weird like umbrella. 

            So I after I stumbled around for about 20 minutes unable to go about the rest of my day normally because I just saw someone famous up close, I was able to put together a thought.  If I keep falling apart during such important moments, then what am I going to look back on and be proud of?  I mean that wasn’t even a high pressure situation.  I don’t even like Jim Carrey that much.  I mean when was the last time he was even in a funny movie? I couldn’t just wave or smile, or I don’t know remember how to breathe?

            The month of May is full of these moments.  May is a month of many changes and a lot of goodbyes.  Usually I’m pretty good at saying goodbye.  Out of sight out of mind.  But this year, I don’t want to say goodbye to my life and start fresh again.  Most people hate goodbyes but they suck it up, go along with it, and move on.  I however, in true form, do nothing.  I freeze up and I do nothing. 

            If I had a moment (whatever that moment would be) like in a movie when the underdog finally breaks out and accomplishes whatever the movie was leading up to- I would find a way not to be there.  If I were Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader told me he was my father as I was hanging for dear life with my hand cut off from his light saber, I would probably just be like, okay nice to meet you, I’ll go to the dark side.  Side note, I’ve totally wanted to say that to someone.  I need to find someone with the name Luke.  Maybe I’ll get a dog one day and name him Luke, just so I could repeat that phrase over and over.  Kind of sucks that nothing ever really happened for Mark Hamilton’s career.  He played Luke Skywalker pretty well.  Although I have to say Harrison Ford was actually a pretty serious stud in the late 70s.  I mean now he’s like ancient, but at the time Han Solo was pretty hot.  What a name- Han Solo....Luke Skywalker...Darth Vader.  Really?

            Anyway back to the topic.  So after missing yet again another noteworthy moment in life, I realized this can no longer go on.  So now whenever I’m under pressure and I'm about to buckle- I think to myself- “What would Luke Skywalker do in this situation?”  Did he give up when everyone got killed in battle except for him while trying to destroy the Death Star?  No.  He stayed calm and he destroyed it.  Did he curl into a ball and hide when he found out his Aunt and Uncle were killed?  No.  He set out to become a Jedi and destroyed the dark side of the force.  Although I’ve always wondered why he didn’t seem to really mourn their loss very much.  I think he cared more about the death of Yoda than his family who raised him. 

Again anyway, the point being if Luke Skywalker can do all that, I think I can manage to break into a smile when I see a celebrity.  Or continue to walk in a straight line when I see an attractive person on the street.  Or when the doctor says breathe out, actually remember to breathe and not choke on my own breath.  If Luke Skywalker can do it, so can I, and so can you.  Therefore, when in doubt, channel your inner Jedi Knight and think “What would Luke Skywalker do?” 

 **As an endnote I would like to clarify, that I am not a Star Wars fanatic nor do I dress up as Star Wars characters, nor do I  attend events such as Comicon or collect figurines of that nature.  I recently watched the trilogy; therefore the movies are fresh in my head.  I mean yes as movies they’re pretty good.  I mean ok, they’re Oscar worthy material, but no I do not collect comic books.  Or play star wars video games.  Or any video games.  Or watch Star Trek (actually I’ve never seen Star Trek).  Or play with science stuff in my spare time.  I don't like science.  I am not a nerd.  I would also like to note that its finals week, therefore my mind is a little spacey, and I will watch anything that allows me to procrastinate.  That being said, let the force be with you!